August 4, 2011

And so I ran

There is nothing like an anxiety attack in the middle of making dinner.  Which you are already behind in doing because you cant seem to get though a day with out an afternoon nap.  Even though you haven't done anything because your body has decided to betray you and go out and get some extremely rare liver disease.  Yes that was me today.

I meant to get up at 5 and start dinner, but for the life of me couldn't keep my eyes open.  Had to peel myself out of bed at 6 and even then I was thinking about making a quick dinner just so I could go back to sleep.  But my chicken was all defrosted and ready to go.  And I remembered Anthony telling me he wanted real chicken sandwiches for lunch and not the flat (sandwich meat) chicken.  Everything was fine.  And then it wasn't.  Somewhere in between cutting the potatoes and basting the chicken, my mind went spinning and my heart went right along with it.

Now I have had anxiety attacks before.  Always at night, when I'm lying in bed thinking about all the horrible things I am going to have to endure.  Or thinking up all the what ifs!  But never once have I felt like this during the middle of the day.  Today was different.  I was like a dark anxiety.  It shook me to the core and I was getting scared.  I couldn't breath and just wanted to curl in a ball and cry.  It came out of nowhere.  And I just wanted to run away.  So I basted the chicken, reset the timer, put on my sneakers and went for a run.  I have never ran like it did tonight.  I've never been a runner.  My body isn't built for running.  Seriously, in high school when we would run for PE I would roller blade instead.  Add bad knees into the equation and I'm dammed.  I did it though, I just got on and ran.  And yes, I took a few walking breaks, but that's allowed right?  The best part of it all was that I didn't hurt.  Not my abdomen anyways.

Tomorrow I will probably pay for it, but I'm just so excited to have ran.  And ran more than I walked.  So yay me.   I've been walking/jogging for a while, but I've always gone with a program.  Like the C25K on my phone or one of the presets on the treadmill.  Not today.  I didn't care about time or speed or how many calories I was burning.  I knew I had 20 mins till the chicken needed to be basted again so I ran.  And after I cooled off, I felt amazing. My mind was calm.  My heartbeat settled. No anxiety.  No fear.  Amazing.  I know its nothing super but a little over a mile in 18 mins is a record for me.  Silly, maybe to some.  I know some ladies that can run like the wind.  Maybe someday....


  1. Your blog is inspiring and so is your story Hope Whispers....glad I found you blog is called Hope Whispers as well.....I will keep you in my prayers Kim.

  2. Your posts are almost like pages from a book, I love them as much as I hate them because I wish you didnt have to go through all of this. Your writing makes me feel as if I am there watching you go through everything. I'm so sorry you had this feeling today but so proud you did something positive about it. I am no runner either. But I do it. And those are the exact reasons why. I run away from my problems, sometimes I run face first in to them, It clears my mind, wipes me of anger and relaxes me in a way nothing else can. Good for you Kim, so very proud of you!! {{{BIG HUG}}}

    And thank you so much for the sweetest comment on my site EVER!!! It means so very much to me :) and even hough we havent met ... yet. You can bet we are the bestest of friends. Sometimes you can just tell about people .. you are one of those people!! Told Steph yesterday I am determined to get you & the boys in my car on the 11th for the SA MOms lunch! and I mean it!

  3. Beautiful. This is exactly why I run. Running saved me from anxiety and Post partum depression. It has literally saved my life. Big hugs, beautiful woman!