September 1, 2010

100 days

For the last 100 days I have been waiting for a very important phone call. I have kept my phone charged, or near a charger. I've answered almost every call. My stomach jumps into my throat every time the phone rings. I wake up every morning wondering if today is the day. And before bed I wonder if tonight is the night. But still no call. For 100 days I have been listed on the UNOS liver transplant list.

Most days I am able to convince myself that its a good thing to have come this far. I should be blessed to still be as healthy and active as I am. Every day I remind myself to be thankful just to be here with my family for one more day. After all, I am not the only one waiting. I am not the sickest, the oldest or the youngest. There are people who wait years before getting their call. And there are some die waiting. I don't want to be either of thoes people.

But how much control do I really have over my time? Liver disease doesn't care about what I want or need. One day I am fine and the next day I feel like I've already have one foot in the ground. Most days I have to force myself out of bed, paint a smile on my face and put on my "I'm fine" show. And I spend the better half of the day trying not to lose my cool. What I'd really like to do is spend a few days in bed. Or better yet at spa. Yes that's it.

So anyways, before I go to sleep, I'm wishing myself a happy 100th day. Praying the call comes not to soon or to late but rather at just the right time. I look forward to just being me again. I am ready!
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  1. Awe Babycakes! Hang tough, it sucks (that's all I can say bout that) but like you said, be glad everyday you have! ...and not only that you are here, but each day you do not have to spend prior to transplant in the hospital.

    Oh... and if you haven't, I would change the hospital's ring tone on your phone (may I suggest the theme to Rocky? hehe)

  2. I guess maybe b/c I feel I know you personally and you are the only one I know that needs a liver transplant, but I am so ANGRY for you that you have had to wait this long! Are you a difficult match? It seems to me that someone as young as you should be up on the list, you have your whole life ahead of you. What is the average wait time, do you know?

    Thinking about you, wishing you strength and good days, and waiting to hear good news soon.

  3. Kimmie.. you are an amazing woman/mother/friend/wife/and cousin.. I know that waiting is the hardest thing to do and I pray that your time comes and it is the "right" time instead of the options. I love that you write down your thoughts and share it with the rest of us... it gives me a glimpse into your life and your struggles.

    I just wanted to let you know that I was here for you even though I am not actually "here" for you. I love you and pray for you everyday!!