April 6, 2010

Im sick, not stupid

How can you be a good mom when you doubt yourself? Or when everyone doubts you?

Sometimes I feel like there is constantly someone looking over my shoulder. Not just one person, but many. Every decision I make is questioned by someone or another. I am not mentally handicapped. So yes, I have HE (Hepatic Encephalopathy) Yes that means at time I am confused and sometimes I forget what it was I was doing. But the one thing that is always on my mind...my kids.

I wake up in a panic every morning, because I am afraid I left the gate open or that the baby got out of his crib. Even though I woke up 5 time in the middle of the night to check. When I am making breakfast for them, I am double checking to make sure that the baby's food isn't to big and that my 4year old is eating enough. Right now I am typing and staring at the monitor, I stop typing every time I hear the baby roll over. And Ive already checked in on him twice. He is in his crib safe and sound. I hate this whole second guessing myself.

I do it because sometimes it seems as if everyone else is doubting my parenting, so I start to doubt myself. If my MIL hears one of boys cry she immediately check on us to make sure that they didn't get hurt under my watch. Or if I'm on the phone with my family and someone yells or cries, I feel like I'm being interrogated. "Where were you when Anthony fell?" "Why was the baby playing with that toy?" "Don't you thing they are playing to rough?"

I do not let my kids play with knives. There are gates on the stairs and the doors have the child proof knobs on them. I do let my boys run and jump and make noise. We make tents out of bedsheets and play hide and go seek. But I am always aware of their safety and know when enough is enough. I know what can be climbed, what is to high to jump off of or when its time to calm down. That is something that will never go away. I might forget to take my meds, or forget what I am doing. But I will never forget my boys, where they are, who they are with or what they are doing. Its not easy to have to constantly focus on them, to remind myself to focus on them. Not because I don't want to but because sometimes its hard to. Its draining. But its my job, and one that I take very seriously. These boys are my every things and I am trying to be theirs.

Check it!- They are both buckled, have on sunscreen, hats and water for hydration ;) I cant be doing that bad right?



  1. It's never easy being a Mom but you are so right; healthy people do have an advantage. However, that doesn't mean we can't do it well. It just requires more effort for us. You sound like a great Mom!! It's so important to just let them be kids and you sound like you've found that balance. Found you on chronic babes. Sending hugs your way.

    Renee' (aka Shalunuya)

  2. That must be so hard. And hurtful.

    It's not the same, but my mom once told me she didn't think I was "responsible enough to get a dog." That pretty much cut me to the heart. Being sick isn't the same is being irresponsible, and contrary to popular belief we can suck it up and take care of things that really matter.

    I saw your link on the Chronic Babe forum, so I headed over to check it out.