February 24, 2009

Ugly Truths

So we are driving to the lab the yesterday for another INR check and my 3 year old said something that caught me so off guard I didnt know how to reply to him. To hear the worry and concern in his little voice made my heart hurt. "Dont die momma" He said. I explained that we were just going to do some blood work. I have been honest and open with him about my health from day one. When he asked what I was doing in the bathroom with the door locked, I told him I was taking my medicine. After he asked me a hundred times if he could come in with me, I let him. When he offerd to hold the cotton ball on my injection site, I let him. He is my little Dr. Of course I explained that I have to take my medicine in a shot, and that they helped keep me strong. You just cant hide anything from this boy.

Anyways back to the subject. My ugly truth is that one of these days, I will die. But what do you say to your kid when he is in the back seat, repeatitly telling you not to die. "Because I need you and you are my best friend" he tells me. Then he just about broke down when I paused after he asked me if I promised not to die. It was one for thoes things where you wonder if he will really remember this. What if I say yes and he holds me to it. I hate broken promises. And he knows that. But I was in such shock at the conversation, I just told him that I wasnt going to die, just had to get some labs done so I could be better. He kept pushing until I said it, and I did. I promised something that I know I can not keep. But I know that I am willing to do what ever it takes to stay strong and healthy for my family. I hope and pray he will understand it all one day.

I went to bed that night with a horrible case of the what ifs! What if my liver doesnt get better? What if I cant get a shunt? What if there my transplant goes wrong or my body rejects the new liver? What if I get more blood clots and one gets into my heart or lung? Of course by then my heart is in my throat and Im staring my newborn baby in the eyes as hes nursing. Right next to me is my sleeping 3 year old and husband. And I tell myself, this is what I will live for. These are the boys who will keep me strong. The boys I will watch grow up and the man I will grow old with. Dying is not an option for me, I simply will not give up. I will not let anything stop me from getting better. I choose life:)

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