February 18, 2012

Whoosah

There is nothing worse than waking up in a panic.  I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing and I felt like throwing up.  Why me?  There is a question I try not to ask very much.  But today..."why the hell me?"  I feel sorry for my family, because when I am like this, I get all pissy, and then I cry and I'm so awkward.  Yes I know these things but I just cant help it.  But why on the weekend.  Supposed to be fun and free.  Instead I feel like if I leave the safety of my own room I might jump someone.  I hate this part of me.

I though if I plugged in my headphones and listened to some music that would help.  So while everyone else was sleeping I laid there looking for some feel good music.  Of course I took a wrong turn at Pearl Jam and Just Breath, a U turn at Bruno Mars and Count on Me.  Slowed down at Lynard Skynards Simple Kind of Man and Wrecked on Johnny Cash and Hurt.  Lord help me to get though this day.  By the time David was leaving for work, I was crying and I didn't even know why.

I picked a fight this morning I knew I wouldn't win, the boys are extra feisty today, I over cooked my lunch and stubbed my toe on a box I meant to move last night.  And I still had one thing let to do.  Apologize to the Mr for being such a punk earlier.  But since he is working, my text went a little something like this.  "Sorry for being such an ass babe. My emotions are so messed up right now that I cant even think straight.  Been trying to keep myself together, but I guess I suck at that too."  Of course after I hit send, I wanted to smack myself for not giving myself enough credit.

I am doing the best I can with the life that was laid out in front of me. I know that I was chosen for this life for a reason. And I know that it is a challenge I can win. From my boys I learn patience, from my husband I get my strength and in all of you I find hope. I am who I am.  No where near perfect.  But I'm here.  Every day I wake up healthy enough to enjoy with my family is a blessing. I need to remind myself of that sometimes.  Forget all the negativity and little things that are driving me crazy and look at the big picture.

Now that I have that off my chest, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  Hug the ones you love extra tight.  Much love! Woosah

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