There is something Ive been wanting to do, but want your opinions first. I have two other blogs. One is family stuff and one is my photo blog. Both are being neglected. More than this one even. Ive been wanting to merge them all into one. So that would be more sharing of my family and my hobby. All things that make me who I am and both very big parts in how I deal with my illness. But I started this blog to follow my medical journey, should I keep it to strictly just that? Would it bother any of you if I shared crafts, cooking and {more} photos with you?
October 27, 2010
October 26, 2010
Is it November yet?
OK I haven't been around much. Last week was the week from hell. Literally. Anthony was sick and stayed home Monday and Tuesday. Had to cancel a consult on my wisdom teeth surgery. Wednesday was settling back into our routine. Thursday was my Liver Clinic appointment. And Friday morning Anthony and I took a tumble down the stairs. The weekend was spent somewhat recovering. Meaning a frantic search for a different Halloween costume and a meltdown at the Pumpkin Patch.
This week started off with me hobbling around like a granny. A swollen and black butt cheek. A cancelled eye appointment because of insurance issues and looks like we will be adding in either a phone call or a visit to the Pediatrician for a horrible cough the little one has.
Tomorrow is school pictures and pumpkin painting Thursday is Blood work for me. And Friday is Graduation Day for my Father in Law. Saturday is pumpkin carving and Sunday is Halloween. And before we know it, it will be Monday all over again. And November. Which is great because Thanksgiving Day is my MOST favorite holiday of all!
One good thing to come out of the week was this yummy treat. Tell me it doenst look good! Its called candy cork bark and you can find the recipe HERE!
This week started off with me hobbling around like a granny. A swollen and black butt cheek. A cancelled eye appointment because of insurance issues and looks like we will be adding in either a phone call or a visit to the Pediatrician for a horrible cough the little one has.
Tomorrow is school pictures and pumpkin painting Thursday is Blood work for me. And Friday is Graduation Day for my Father in Law. Saturday is pumpkin carving and Sunday is Halloween. And before we know it, it will be Monday all over again. And November. Which is great because Thanksgiving Day is my MOST favorite holiday of all!
One good thing to come out of the week was this yummy treat. Tell me it doenst look good! Its called candy cork bark and you can find the recipe HERE!
October 15, 2010
I miss you
One thing I have loved about growing up on a tiny island in the Pacific Ocean, besides the beauty, is the friends I have made. Some I have know since we were in diapers and some you would think I've know that long. But what hate about it is you spend all this time with these people, making memories, creating unbreakable bonds and the after graduation you are scattered around the world. And now in the age of texts and Facebook, you barely hear from people. Except for a few likes and comments. Or the yearly Happy New Year text.
We have all grown up, have families and jobs. And everyone is busy with life, but I miss my friends. And to be honest, I don't have many friends here. I mean really, I can't drive, I don't work and when I do leave the house its for food or Drs appointments. Or to the park with the family. So there aren't many opportunities to meet new people.
I may sound absolutely crazy when I tell you how refreshing it is to walk my son to his class room just to see new faces. I usually walk out with one or two of the moms and it always makes me feel so much better. I look forward to it most days. Unless I'm feeling like ass, then I know I look like ass and I just stay in the car and let him go in by himself. He likes going by himself, but I still go every chance I get. I know, I'm lame right?
I always pictured myself as the soccer mom who volunteers at the school and has playmates and big birthday parties. Always on the go. But instead, I'm sick and stuck at home. I've become a social reject.
We have all grown up, have families and jobs. And everyone is busy with life, but I miss my friends. And to be honest, I don't have many friends here. I mean really, I can't drive, I don't work and when I do leave the house its for food or Drs appointments. Or to the park with the family. So there aren't many opportunities to meet new people.
I may sound absolutely crazy when I tell you how refreshing it is to walk my son to his class room just to see new faces. I usually walk out with one or two of the moms and it always makes me feel so much better. I look forward to it most days. Unless I'm feeling like ass, then I know I look like ass and I just stay in the car and let him go in by himself. He likes going by himself, but I still go every chance I get. I know, I'm lame right?
I always pictured myself as the soccer mom who volunteers at the school and has playmates and big birthday parties. Always on the go. But instead, I'm sick and stuck at home. I've become a social reject.
October 13, 2010
Scatterbrained
I thought it would get easier. I guess some days its is. But then every now and then the reality of my life sinks in. Its October, and time for my 3 month follow up at the Transplant Clinic. Emotions always run high around this time. I start writing list of questions I need to ask. I go though my notebook and see if I have written down any strange pains or issues I have had. Then I have to go though a million other random books and post-its because I write things everywhere. I got a book, OK I have 2 books, specifically for doctor stuff, but I still doodled my thoughts everywhere else. Am I the only one who does this?
Somehow I get the feeling the rest of the year is going to fly bye so fast. I have the Liver Clinic next week. Lab work the following week for my Hematologist appt the next week. Then Halloween and Thanksgiving. Which starts all the holiday madness. Tons of baking, crafts and more food. Followed by my Psych appointment. I'm so looking forward to that one. Poor man has no idea what is about to hit him! Then there is December, which always goes by way to fast. And before you know it, we are opening presents and screaming Happy New Year!! Yup Its gonna go down just like that. In the blink of an eye.
I intended to write something more interesting that just my usual randomness, but it seems my brain isn't up to speed today. Looks like my H.E is catching up with me again. Forgot to take my meds yesterday after my walk. But the walk was enough to wear me down, I don't think my body could handle the side effects anyways. I was sick yesterday afternoon and am avoiding food because I don't feel like puking it all up anyways. I have a photo for wordless Wednesday but Ill have to post it after I wake up a peacefully sleeping baby to go pick up his More than likely un-peaceful older brother from school. OK enough random babble. I hope everyone is having a wonderful day! Much love!!
Somehow I get the feeling the rest of the year is going to fly bye so fast. I have the Liver Clinic next week. Lab work the following week for my Hematologist appt the next week. Then Halloween and Thanksgiving. Which starts all the holiday madness. Tons of baking, crafts and more food. Followed by my Psych appointment. I'm so looking forward to that one. Poor man has no idea what is about to hit him! Then there is December, which always goes by way to fast. And before you know it, we are opening presents and screaming Happy New Year!! Yup Its gonna go down just like that. In the blink of an eye.
I intended to write something more interesting that just my usual randomness, but it seems my brain isn't up to speed today. Looks like my H.E is catching up with me again. Forgot to take my meds yesterday after my walk. But the walk was enough to wear me down, I don't think my body could handle the side effects anyways. I was sick yesterday afternoon and am avoiding food because I don't feel like puking it all up anyways. I have a photo for wordless Wednesday but Ill have to post it after I wake up a peacefully sleeping baby to go pick up his More than likely un-peaceful older brother from school. OK enough random babble. I hope everyone is having a wonderful day! Much love!!
October 7, 2010
Little moments
Most days it weighs heavy on my heart. That ticking time bomb inside of me. That feeling I get when my phone rings. That ache...that ache that never goes away. Every morning I wake up and wonder, is today the day? Is today the day I will get a new life, a new liver?
Sometimes minutes go by and I forget about it all. But only minutes. Never hours or days. Today it was the few that I spent pushing my youngest around the house in a basket. There's something about hearing my boys laugh that make all my worries, fears and negativity just disappear. They give me hope that everything will be ok. Funny how that works when I'm the one who is supposed to be calming their fears! And then with a few sprints up and down the hall, I'm out of breath and beyond exhausted. But for thoes few minutes, I was free. I live for thoes moments. Where we have fun and laugh. Smiles instead of tears. Laughter instead of fear.
In my heart I know it will be a while before its my turn! And even though the thought of waiting much longer makes me want to kick and scream, I'm going to smile. Because today I am alive and that's what really matters.
October 2, 2010
I want to be me again
If there is one thing I beat myself up about the most its not being the mom I used to be. My mind knows that I can't be that mom right now, but my heart feels like I'm letting my boys down.
When my oldest was little we would waste away our mornings out back blowing bubbles. In the afternoons we would have picnics in the park and splash in the pool. We baked, danced, took pictures and made blanket forts. He was such an easy going kid. Shy as ever, but he was quiet and could play by himself for hours. I poured every ounce of my energy into him. Of course he had his tantrums and the kid never slept, but I felt like I had all the time in the world with him and I enjoyedalmost every minuet of it. And now I feel like I am constantly letting him down. He wants to go outside, but I cant take the heat. He wants to play ball and I don't have the energy. I remember not long after Alex was born, he told me that all I did was lay in bed. It broke my heart into a million gazillion teeny tiny pieces. I wonder what he must think of me. Now that I have become the boring mom.
Poor Alexander on the other hand got stuck with the sick me. The mom who barely has enough energy to go out side and run around. He is also more demanding than his brother. He loves to be held, hates to play alone and needs that constant interaction. Some days I have to dig so deep to get my head straight, to ignore the pain and overcome the tiredness to just be the mom he deserves. He takes a lot more patience, I seem to have less. He wants to be held and cuddled but sometimes it just hurts to much. But I try my best. Right now its all I can do and I have to have faith that its enough. I think this is one of the reasons we both enjoy breastfeeding so much. It's time we have together were we are able to meet each other half way. He calls down and I get to sit down. Or even better lay down! And to the ones still giving the whole "OMG your still nursing" speech, you suck. Not literally, but you still suck!
I have been feeling pretty good lately so trying to find my way back to the old me. I keep saying that I'm done being this mom. That I'm going to get back to the old me. The fun me. But the truth is I cant. I need to accept that. I need to find ways to be mostly fun. One thing I love about fall is all the easy fall crafts. To celebrate the beginning of October I cut out pumpkin pieces and had them waiting for Anthony to glue together while I made breakfast. I'm looking forward to dressing up this year. I used to have holidays planned the year before. But these day planning even a week ahead is setting myself up for failure. So I'm going to give it my everything, and pray that everything is enough. Here's to fighting a fight I know I will win :)
When my oldest was little we would waste away our mornings out back blowing bubbles. In the afternoons we would have picnics in the park and splash in the pool. We baked, danced, took pictures and made blanket forts. He was such an easy going kid. Shy as ever, but he was quiet and could play by himself for hours. I poured every ounce of my energy into him. Of course he had his tantrums and the kid never slept, but I felt like I had all the time in the world with him and I enjoyed
Poor Alexander on the other hand got stuck with the sick me. The mom who barely has enough energy to go out side and run around. He is also more demanding than his brother. He loves to be held, hates to play alone and needs that constant interaction. Some days I have to dig so deep to get my head straight, to ignore the pain and overcome the tiredness to just be the mom he deserves. He takes a lot more patience, I seem to have less. He wants to be held and cuddled but sometimes it just hurts to much. But I try my best. Right now its all I can do and I have to have faith that its enough. I think this is one of the reasons we both enjoy breastfeeding so much. It's time we have together were we are able to meet each other half way. He calls down and I get to sit down. Or even better lay down! And to the ones still giving the whole "OMG your still nursing" speech, you suck. Not literally, but you still suck!
I have been feeling pretty good lately so trying to find my way back to the old me. I keep saying that I'm done being this mom. That I'm going to get back to the old me. The fun me. But the truth is I cant. I need to accept that. I need to find ways to be mostly fun. One thing I love about fall is all the easy fall crafts. To celebrate the beginning of October I cut out pumpkin pieces and had them waiting for Anthony to glue together while I made breakfast. I'm looking forward to dressing up this year. I used to have holidays planned the year before. But these day planning even a week ahead is setting myself up for failure. So I'm going to give it my everything, and pray that everything is enough. Here's to fighting a fight I know I will win :)
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