June 18, 2010

Dreaming Easy, Living Hard

I wonder what it would be like if life were easier. If I never had to feel the sadness of a broken family or the heart aches of losing babies. The struggle to keep my own family together or the stress of trying to keep the bond between my own brothers and sisters. And when that wasn't enough,I also get the anger, fear, loneliness and pain of living with rare blood and liver diseases.

I used to dream of picket white fences and the sound of my kids laughing echoing through the house. Fresh cooked meals every night. And having a little time with my husband at night after the boys go to sleep. Instead things are the complete opposite. My life is nothing like I dreamed it would be. I try each day to be grateful for what I have, but I can't help but want more for us.

I'm not expecting life to just magically be easier either. I know we have to make things happen for ourselves. Just wishing it was easier for us to get there. There is always something standing in our way. For us, when it rains, it doesn't just pour, its a freaking hurricane.

There are so many people who have life handed to them on a silver platter. They don't need to worry about anything. And yet they take it all for granted. I don't want to be filthy rich, I don't need a huge house or a collection of cars. I want a house that is in our name, I want David to get paid for what he's worth, I want cars that don't break down on us and I want my kids to grow up feeling safe and loved. And as much as I enjoy staying at home with my boys, I wish I had the ability to work and help make these dreams come true.

I'm tired of having to depend on people for help. Or for people offering their help only to rub it in our faces and try to make us feel worse than we already do. I'm tired of staring at the stack of bills that are holding us back. I'm tired not being able to relax when, where and how ever I want. I'm tired of having to hush my kids or scold them for things that I personally don't have a problem with. I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of being sick! I'm just so tired.

But come tomorrow, after a few hours of sleep, I will put on my happy face, get up and try my best to make it through the day the best I can. Because that's all I can do right now! Here's to hoping tomorrow this funk that I'm in is lifted and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or rude. Its just how I feel right now! And for the record, things have been getting a little loopy in my head, so I might not make much sense. I blame the toxins;)

3 comments:

  1. Kim,
    You are not the only one to feel the way you do on those crappy days where you realize that your dreams aren't coming true they way you thought they would. I hear ya!
    Things will get better, and somehow you'll get through. You're in my prayers.

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  3. Kim,

    I have just started reading your blog and this post really hit me... Because I had similar feelings living what we have endured with Princess G.

    The hardest part of the journey is seeing the control of life be gone in the blink of an eye. What i would suggest is not focus on the defeats or struggles but turn your eye to the blessings and love. It is not our plan but maybe the plan we are on is what is intended for your journey. Embrace it and focus on the graciousness that is being poured on to you and your family. What you will find is the the simple things in life make you more rich and fulfilled them any objects or money can.

    Stay strong you are inspiring so many!!! We are praying for you and family!!! May this journey that you are on make you stronger!!!

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