Maybe not

Well here is another case of " Kim has to many doctors with different information" I know you just cant wait to hear my latest rant, but I promise it turns out great!

So my last post was me being all dramatic about not being able to nurse. I spent the week getting Alex used to a bottle and freaking out about what formula to feed him. Well Monday the little Mr had a Dr's appointment and when I asked the Pedi what type of formula she recommended she looked at me like I was crazy. She remembered that we had struggled in the hospital, but were making progress. I explained to her how my hematologist said that I would not be able to breastfeed because of the medication I have to take. Well she got out her books and showed me in writing that my meds were proven safe for breastfeeding. After she left the room, we could hear her discussing it with the other 2 doctors in the hall. And they both agreed that it was safe. Saying that even if a little bit did get into my milk, it would be broken down by Alex's stomach acids. And because he got his VitK shot and was healthy and "not really" a preemie, there should be no complications. I called my Hematologist today just to touch base with him and let him know whats up and he will be getting in touch with the Pedi just to make sure that they are both on the same level and then I will be able to make the switch to coumadin. Which by the way is a pill. And will be much eaiser than injections! I cant wait!!

SO....no I have the work of trying to get him back on the boob :) Which is proving to be a slow process, now that my supply has slowed. But I know with a little work and a lot of patience, we can do this. And I feel like for once, something actually went my way. Its about damn time too:) Hopefully things keep looking up!

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Jipped

Yesterday I had my first Drs. Appt since having Alexander and things sure didn't go the way that I had planned. Except for the fact that despite looking like I am still pregnant, I am lighter than I was before I started this journey.

Everything was fine until the Dr asked if I was nursing or giving formula. I knew we were going to have this talk, but it didn't make it any easier. He told me that he wanted to switch me to a pill, but that there was no way I could continue breastfeeding. So I suggested that I just switch off of heparin back to the lovenox. That is what the original plan was anyways. But then he tells me that Lovenox isn't proven safe or unsafe and tells me I should just switch to formula to be safe. Now don't get me wrong, if its not safe I understand that. But shoot me for wanting to do what is only natural. I didn't get the chance to with Anthony. He was bottle fed in the NICU and was never able to latch on after that. And Alex and I struggled at first, but now that hes got the hang of it, they tell me I have to stop. I want to scream at them. Thanks for not telling me that this was going to happen. I had asked about the heparin being safe, and I knew coumadin was not safe. However I am reading that some Drs. say it is. I'm not willing to take that chance.

So after this weekend, we will be making the switch over to formula. And yes, I am heartbroken. It might not make sense to anyone, but it really does upset me. When they told me that I shouldn't have anymore kids, I was devastated. So I put it in my head that I would get everything right this time. After all it was my last chance. And now I cant do this.

I am going to be more positive and be thankful for the (short) 2 weeks that I was able to nurse him. Somehow the late nights and struggles to get him to latch on properly seem so small. And the stares and smiles he gives me when he eats will be remembered. I am thankful that he is here and healthy. That I was able to carry him inside me for as long as I did. Yeah they jipped me on that too ;) But he is perfect and I am just going to have to accept what needs to be done. After all, I need to be here to enjoy them. So we do what he have to do.

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Plans Change

If there is anything I have learned about what it is like to be pregnant and have Budd Chiari Syndrome, that is it! Plans change. Drs will tell you one thing and the next week, it changes. Its frustrating. I know they don't do it to mess me all up. Its because truthfully, they have no idea what is going to happen. They want to be able to tell you this will happen like this, but it never works out that way. Examples?

My latest plan changes.

C-Section scratched. For now anyways. Apparently it will be safer to pump me full of the good drugs and let my body take over. Instead of cutting me open, and "mashing" on my upper abdomen to get the baby out. Yes the Dr. said mashing! The whole point of having a C-Section was to spare me pushing and potentially rupturing my liver. But the "mashing" would replace the pushing, so for now, we are going with a natural delivery.

Then there is the whole steroids and amnio let down. I was really not looking forward to having an amnio. Not because of the needles, I'm well acquainted with needles now. Its just something that is scary so I didn't want it. It was worse than they said it would be. Less than a minute my ass! And then the tech said there was no way the baby would get poked. LIAR! I told her he was a stubborn little boy. Anyways. The original plan was to do the amnio and if his lungs were mature, we would do a C-Section. Scratched that already. And if they were not mature we would do 2 rounds of steroids and then deliver. Well my Dr. wanted to wait until 35 weeks to do the amnio. Then when 35 weeks comes, she informs me that they don't give steroids after 35 weeks so we are just going to wait another week and do another damn amnio. Seriously. Why couldn't we do the amnio at 34 weeks so there was still time to do steroids? BECAUSE PLANS CHANGE!

I am not pushing for a premature baby because I want one. If I could have it my way, I would carry to term. But when your liver and spleen have doubled in size, you cant breath, chest pains keep you up all night and you can barely walk...you cant go on forever. OK really its because both my GI and Transplant Drs. have strongly advised going this far. Because really they don't know what is going to happen. But when you have half the Drs. looking out for you and the other half wanting to do what is best for the baby, it all gets confusing and frustrating.

It took me forever to accept the fact that what is best for me has to come first. I have to be healthy for my family. And now I feel like a bad mom. I know what its like to have a preemie. And I have always hated when women say they wish that their babies would just be born already, and now here I am upset that my little man isn't here yet. And I'm back to square one. Hes good in there until he is ready and I am willing to wait. A little longer anyways ;)

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