December 27, 2016

Explanations of sorts.

It has been super quiet around here the past few weeks.  By here, I mean the blog.  Lord knows it is the only place in my life right now that is quiet.  As I type, there are two boys who were sent to bed hours ago and at midnight are still laughing themselves silly.  While I am here trying to get thoughts out of my head and not spill my tea down my chest.  Again.  It's been a wild few weeks.

Look mom!  No fighting!
They were touching and not fighting.  Ok one of them is asleep but still!

One reason for the silence has been my H.E.  Hepatic Encephalopathy is no joke friends.  Obviously I already knew that but sometimes I like to think that I am invincible.  Or that there there isn't enough time to take care of me.  I have been horrible about taking my medication every day.  My blood thinners yes. My lactulose, not so much.  If you have ever taken it before, it might be easier to understand.  But swallowing something that is pretty much going to give you a massive stomach bug within the hour, is well, a little hard to swallow. And then earlier this month the pharmacy ran out of my Xifaxan and I thought, oh a week won't' hurt. A week without the both of them had me missing whole parts of my day. And the only reason I figured that out was because I was texting my son back and forth and had zero recollection of it. Apparently I was having conversations with myself too. Like out loud in the middle of the night.

The other day I read on one of the liver disease boards that someone had lost their mother. It wasn't the liver disease that caused it either.  It was the H.E.  It hit me straight in the gut.  As bad as I had gotten, it could have been me.  If you remember this post, you would understand just how bad it was. 

So, I have been reevaluating life.  And trying to put my health first.  It's not easy.  And with the holidays in full effect, not all my choices have been perfect. I am getting along ok though.  Every day is a struggle. Every day.  Last night I got almost 11 hours of sleep and today I felt better than I have felt in months. Dare I say, clear headed and not anxious at all.  Someone knock on wood. 

It's probably going to stay a little quiet around here until the boys go back to school. I have been avoiding FB.  Me on social media when my H.E is bad is the spoonie version of drunk texting. I had someone message me and ask me if I was ok, because my comment on their picture was so weird. Can this be my public apology, because I might forget what I am supposed to be doing if I leave here. That is life with this crazy disease.  

I spend the whole day making sure that the boys ate, the dogs are fed, chores are done, Ant takes his meds, showers are taken and teeth are brushed.  But I forget to do some of these things myself.  The other day I was going to bed and realized I hadn't eaten once all day.  When I really focus I can keep myself straight.  But its is draining. It's almost like being paranoid and having to talk myself through life every day. As much as I love having them home, its so much easier for me when they are at school.

I'm rambling. I know. No lactulose tonight. I can't even count the number of posts I have deleted after realizing I was just going on and on about nothing. So I'm just gonna stop and tomorrow it's back to the regularly medicated Kim.

Next week, I will be around more often, And now that I am medicated properly, I should be back with something more than just this nonsense. 2017 will be the year I get myself together and taken care of.

** It took me over an hour to get this far.  I had to go back and make sense of some sentences.  Only I could slur my writing!  I also took the dogs out but then realized I was standing out back, and the dogs were inside sleeping.**

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