August 24, 2011

Smile with me?!

I haven't been around much.  Truth is, I've been feeling so negative, so I have been trying to lay low.  I'm sure its just stress, but I don't have the time or energy to write it all out.  With summer ending, school starting, a husband working 13-15 hours a day, trying to keep in touch with family and friends and my sanity for that matter.  Its not working for me.  But all I can do is keep trying.  Most days I just feel like a zombie.  Or a puppet.  Like I just do what I need to do or am asked to do.  Emotions are barely there.  Most are just regret and feeling like I am a burden.  I'm trying so hard to keep my head up and keep the smile on my face, but it just gets harder and harder.

Growing up, I smiled though all that was going on. And now that I finally have everything I have ever wanted and needed, life throws this stupid liver disease in to the mix.  And now I'm back to square one.  So frustrating.  Just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  See now this is exactly why I've been away.  Such a downer.  I remember telling myself when I was little how bad I just wanted to tell someone the who truth.  How sad and scared I was.  But at the same time I was so afraid to show people just how bad I hurt.  I guess somethings never change.  

I'm so glad I have so many photos to remember the moments that made me smile.  I think my memory is part of it all.  Days  get cloudier and disappear.  I take my Xifaxan religiously.  My Lactulose, not so much.  But then again, if you have ever taken it, I'm sure you understand! There used to be a time where I could block the bad and only remember the good.  But that seems to have changed.  I need reminders of all that I have to be thankful and happy for.  And I hate that I cant remember these.  But like I said, thank GOD for pictures!

Here are some random few that always make me smile :-)


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