July 30, 2017

Just smile and nod...

Today, I really struggled to make sence of my words. I slurred, words came out all jumbled and I felt like my hearing was delayed 3 seconds. I had to think about everything someone said to me. 

At dinner the boys were trying to tell me a joke but at the time it just felt like they were laughing at me because it took me a minute to understand why they were laughing. One minute I wanted to cry and the next minute I was laughing so hard that I was crying.

I get so frustrated on days like this. Days where I look back at my snapchats, insta stories and other posts so that I know what went down that day. But now that everyone is sleeping, and Ive had time to look back on the day I can find reasons to be thankful for them too.  

One of the boys would say something and when I couldnt answer, they would just drop it and move on. When we were driving home, I caught David sneaking looks at me over and over. But mostly he just smiled at me. There is nothing more embarassing than feeling like a fool in front of the people I love the most. Expecially when I am usually so good at holding it all together. But I cant believe I would think they were being intentionally hurtful to me when they have been nothing but patient and understanding. They love me on the good days and the bad.

I paniced a few times when I turned around in the stores and they werent there. Alex had a death grip on me pretty much the whole time but when we stopped at Buckees and both boys went to the Mens room with David, I had to take a minute to gather my bearings and remind myself of where I was. I am almost never alone. It makes me feel like a lost child. How embarassing.

I have not been taking my medication as I should be. The doctors want me to exercise so 3 days a week we hit the gym. The other 2 days we are back there for swim lessons.  And between doctors appointments and errands, I just keep putting it off. One dose equals about 4 hours of the stomach flu. And Im supposed to take it 3 times a day. Yeah, I have no time for that. Thats what I keep telling myself anyways. I was taking it twice before school got out. Then once a day.  But Im so tired and it is so hard to take something that only makes me feel even worse.

The double edged sword of life with chronic illness. 

Because I havent take it in a few days, my brain is sluggish and now I am mentally exhausted too. I had to stop reading my book because I cant retain what Ive read and have to keep starting

I hate feeling like this. But there is a very good chance that tomorrow, I will not even remember how Im feeling right now and so Im writing it out. Not for any other reason than that days like this are the reality of my life with chronic illness. And because there was a time I had all these exact feelings but had no idea why. It was scary having peices of your day gone, forgetting things, not being a not being able to make out full and complete senteces and having no clue whats going on.

I finished my cup of tea and I guess its time to call it a night. I am going to sleep off all these emotions. Mornings are lifes clean slates. Even more so when you can't remember what you did the day before. Joking! I might lose my memories but never  my sarcasm. Ok, no more jokes. 

Hopefully this all makes sence in the morning. I apologize if it doesnt and you've actually made it this far.  Heres to an amazing Sunday to end the weekend.

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