The past few weeks I have been struggling to keep my head straight. It was hard to focus and my memory was wrecked. My brain was a giant mess of random thoughts. Now that my medications are settling in and have worn me down to complete exhaustion, my thoughts are finally coming together. And just when I thought I had accepted my illness. For the 100th time, I feel the grieving process starting all over again. Denial, Anger, Depression and Fear.
Its been an emotional roller coaster for sure. I have really put David and the boys through it all lately. You know that Android commercial with all the different animal friendships, I cant even hear the song with out wanting to cry. I have been short with the boys and refused to let David into my Pity Party. Sometimes I do the good old fake it till you make it. Denial! Not because he wouldn't be supportive but because I hate bringing him down. When what I should be doing is holding on to them for dear life. For they have yet to let me down. At the end of the day, its the 4 of us here together.
Last week I was feeling awful and in my head I was debating on calling in to the clinic. Ive already been told what would most likely happen. And being admitted is something I am trying to avoid like the plague right now. But I remember telling David not to tell anyone. Making him promise not to call people if I had to stay. Because I honestly felt like it would be a burden to them.
Living with a chronic illness has got to be one of the loneliest things in the world. There is nothing you can do to cure it. You never intended to get sick. Never believed it would happen to you. And then it does. In the beginning, your family and friends rally behind you. Not a day passes with out someone showing genuine concern for you. You find comfort in that. And maybe feel a little guilty or embarrassed but it gets you thought one of the hardest times in your life.
But then the support slowly dies off. People get back to their lives and you try to do the same. Except you are still sick. Life does not stop just because you got a big scary diagnosis. It doesn't stop when you are in so much pain you don't think you will survive. Or when you are feeling like the biggest burden to your family. Sure there are some good times scattered in between all the bad, but you know one day it will be the other way around. And you wonder who would really be there for me if I needed it.
A quick way to find out who your real friends are is to get diagnosed with a chronic illness.
Some days I don't think I could even text people and check on them. And sometimes, I do and I don't even know it. I'm not saying that I have been the person. I am on both sides of this too. Sure I could reach out to a lot of people. And I try to as often as I can. Usually a week or two will go by that I don't check in with someone in the family or in my close circle of friends. Healthy or not. I'm awful at calling people back. Id much rather text or email. But sometimes even that is hard. So in no way am I trying to say I am better at any of this than the next guy. This is just me. Clearing my head out. Anger? I realized its the people who I most wish would ask how I am, are the ones who don't. But I have been learning to just be ever so thankful for those who do. I have been blessed regardless.
Maybe its just something you have to experience to understand. Maybe I'm just being dramatic? Who knows. So whats next? Depression. But I'm hoping to just skip that one. Fear never leaves. Sometimes I can forget about it for a day or two but it is always there. Rinse and repeat. Tomorrow will be better. The ups and down wear my out but nothing can stop me from smiling.