Dear Daddy,

When I talked to you on Saturday, the last thing you said to me was " I will see you soon, I love you".  Never in my mind did I think that 4 days later, I would be standing over you, wishing for one last bear hug.  Giving you one last kiss goodbye.  We gathered around you and cried, I know you wouldn't want us to cry, but the truth is that a life without you seems so empty.  We laughed a little bit.  One by one we said our goodbyes.  As in Schilling fashion we argued as to who got to leave last. I won. I hope you heard all the promises I made you.  I hope you felt our love.  One last kiss and a glance back at the door.  I still cant believe you are gone.

Your funeral was just as you would have wanted.  Leon carried your ashes and Lester carried your flag to the carriage. As we got near the pavilion, I saw ahead two Sailors salute you as you arrived.  When they carried you down the isle, I tried my best not to cry.  Jets flew overhead.  And when you were read your last rights, I wanted to fall to my knees.  I caught a glance of Leon saluting you as they played taps, and my heart hurt more.  The grand kids were all sitting so patiently, you would have been so proud of them.  Then came the prayer.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamonds glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft starts that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die.

It fits you just perfectly.  I know you wouldn't want us to cry over you.  You wouldn't want us to worry.   Is that why you left us before we could see you again?  Did you go so soon because you knew I was coming out to see you?  Is it selfish of me to wish could have held on for a few more days so that I could have had that one last hug?  Would it have made it any easier?  But I do promise to see the world as you did. Every time the boys cry I will think of you comforting them as babies.  I feel you in the kitchen with me.  I promise to always cook with love because you always said that is what made your cooking so damn good.  I will teach the boys to use chopsticks and how to fish.  I will remember you each and every day.  And I promise to eventually start smiling more than I cry.  I just miss you so much Dad.

I just want you to know that I loved you so much more than I ever could have shown you.  That all the pain and anger I held toward you as a child had been long forgotten.  That I forgive you for your mistakes and I understand the choices you had made for me.  And that even though I denied it at times, I was and will always be a daddys girl. I need you to know that I cherished our hour long talks about random things just as much as I did the quick calls about the weather.


The thought of our lives with out you seems like a bad dream.  I bet your welcome home party in heaven was a blast.  Grandma and Grandpa would be so proud of you.  And Uncle Bob who just got there last month.  Are my brothers there too?  My babies?  Heaven is going to be eating really good.  I know I don't have to ask, I never did, but please continue to keep an eye out over us from up there.  Help us all be happy and healthy.  And I will do my part from down here.  I will see you soon.  But for now, in my heart you will be.

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Life in an Instant: The Dad Days of Summer

When I read Stacy's post about the number of days before our kids leave home, the clock has been winding down in the back of my head.  I have 3958 days before Anthony turns 18.  And many of those days I will be sick.  Hopefully less than more!  But its a fact of our lives.  But worse than me being sick, many of those days will be missed by a man who loves these boys more than anything in this whole universe.

Its hard not to see how much David loves the boys.  Everything he does is for them.  Including working like a maniac.  I look around at other families who has a parent gone most of the time and am in awe of how composed they are.  Most days, I feel like everything is going wrong.  The one constant is that David is at work.  Yesterday morning, as he was rushing out the door, I told him he deserved to be a little late.  Yes I know its not very professional.  But its true.  He is working himself sick.  His reply was "yes, but I hate being late!"  Its true.  He is all business when it comes to work.  Never calling in, even when he is down with the flu.  He takes a shot of Day Quill and is on his way.  I actually just bought another bottle yesterday knowing that he is bound to crash soon...

Last weekend, the boys were itching for some time with him.  Every morning last week and so far this week, Alexander cries when he leaves.  And every night Anthony tells me how much he misses having daddy home at dinner.  So when he offered to take us out to lunch and some fun, we were all super excited.  As tired as he was, he answered every little question they asked him.  He ordered them pancakes and chocolate milk, yogurt and then took them for ice cream.  And we also took a detour to the park, which was the highlight of the day.  Don't get me wrong, we go to the park as often as we can but this time, he set aside all his tiredness and put on a good show for the boys.  They took it all it and are still talking about it.  I will forever smile at the thought of him just letting go and having some fun.  We were kids again.  Leaving behind all the troubles and enjoying what he have.

Hes a quiet man.  Reserved till you get to know him.  He is easy to love.  Serious on most days, but on days like this he is just simply dad.  I don't think we will ever be able to give back to him what he has given us.  But you had better believe we are going to try!

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Got Pills? Get a Pillfold!

For those of us who are dealing with chronic illnesses and other health problems one of our many worries are our medications.  Tell me something.  Where do you keep your meds?  In a cabinet?  Maybe a pillbox?  That is what I had.  It is a weekly one.  Sectioned off for morning and nights.  Its a pink and blue thing that's just not very cute.  And why does that matter?  Because every day when I would open it up it was sort of depressing.  And Im a girl, I like cute things.

I first heard of Sara when she was featured as Mrs May of the 12-12-12 project my friend Marissa is doing over at Abledis.  Then when I saw this post I was in love!  It was the first thing on next on my Christmas list too!  Then Marissa, being awesome, mentioned on one of her posts that  the first person to mention the name of Sara's book Despite Lupus, she would buy that person one.  I was all over that :)

And look what I got in the mail!

Thank You Sara and Marissa!  I love my new pillfold :)

And I love the print!

Inside.  Each day has its own pocket.  Sun and moon for day and night :)

So if you are looking for something cuter than the old pill box to keep your trusted meds in, check out Saras website and get one for yourself.  She also has pill bags which are just as awesome.  Might have to get me one of them too.

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Sharing our Spoons Week 9

“Sharing Our Spoons” will be a weekly link-up where you are able to find support and encouragement to focus on your entire health. Not just physical but all of you. For this link-up you will be able to choose holistic goals to help you achieve optimal health. The five goals include: Physical, Mental/Emotional, Spiritual, Something Fun and a Bonus of something that will get us out of our comfort zone.

1. Physical: Exercise at least 3 times this week.  Ok, I only fit in one workout.  And it was half assed.  No excuses, just didn't make the time for it.  I will try harder this week :)
2. Mental/Emotional:  Read.  Snow Flower and the Secret Fan was a great book! But It took me what seemed like forever.  Mostly because I had to jump on the computer and look at foot binding and read up on all the 19th Century China stuff I didn't pay attention to in school.  I read three more Janets.  Wicked Appetite, which might be one of my favorites of all her books.  Full Bloom and Full House are her typical books but both so good I read them each in a day.  I started Naughty Neighbor last night and finished it just now while Alex took a nap.  We are about to take a trip to pick up  more books waiting at the library for me.  Anthony still working though his first book but has decided to read at least 4 chapters a day! Yup, he is my son!
3. Spiritual:  Going to try something new this week.  I need to make more me time.  And maybe that would fit better in #2, but I think it fits well here too.  I don't take enough time to really listen to what my heart wants.  Mostly I just do whats right by everyone else.  I realized the other day that I have no idea what I want from life outside of my family and friends.  
4. Something fun:  I think we are going to attack the "Summer List" over the next few days. Still working away at our list.  The night swim was lots of fun. Who knows what we will do this week.  What's on your Summer Bucket List?
5. BONUS: I was asked to make a video of my story and life on the transplant list.  Ive been putting it off, but I think I am ready to start it.  First step, writing it all out on paper.  Should be enough to figure out over the week right?

Don't forget to stop by A New Kind of Normal.  Join the fun and see what the others are up to this week!!

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Taking the good with the bad

Life has always been an all or nothing for me.  Either things were going great or they were falling apart.  I love hard and hurt easy (although I'd never show it).  But now it seems the good and the bad in my life are mixing and I'm not quite sure how to handle it.

How can I be so so blissfully in love, when my family is facing something so sad.  Why do I feel so guilty when I catch myself smiling though out the day.  I go from happy to terrified in less than 60 seconds.  From crying to laughing so hard I can't breathe not sure if the tears are happy or sad.  

I think of all the times I've been told that I'm not taking "life" seriously enough.  People wonder how I can be so positive and joke about what I'm going though.  When I think about it, there I am all mixed up again.  I want to be sick, wait no, I want to be healthy.  I tell myself I have come to grips with it, and then I'm smacked in the face with the reality of it all.  I am glad for all the eye opening this journey has brought me and sad for all the pain it brings.  

I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions.  And I want so bad to just cut myself off and hide.  I've already noticed I've been keeping to myself.  But at the same time, I jump at any chance to get out of the house for a little bit.  I went from usually being so composed and held together to this crazy emotional wrecking ball.

This week I am determined to keep it all as positive as I can.  Spend some good quality time with my family.  There is so much we need to talk about.  And so much that needs to just be left alone for a little while. Get my camera out.  Take time to enjoy all the little things.  Deep breaths and lots of prayers.  Just like everything else I know I will get though this, but I know its just going to be harder than anything else that life has thrown my way.  

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