I tried my best to explain it to him. I've been thinking about the last conversation I had with my dad lately. Trying to find the hidden message somewhere in it. What was he trying to say when he told me I would know what to do. That I always knew what to do. Because I am missing something. Something big. It feels like all the worries he had and shared with me during that last phone call have been put upon my shoulders and I am stumbling under the weight. I am trying to do right by him and I am trying to keep the things he was worried about from happening. But I cant help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I can't keep giving advice to someone who won't listen. I can't apologize for the lies that people tell about me. And I can't fix other peoples mistakes. He only told me things he said he knew I could handle. And I know he confided in me not to make my load any heavier, but because that's what we did for each other. I loved that I could always count on him to be my voice of reason and that I could be the same for him. So why am I struggling with this now.
Some days my head tells me to just dump it all. My heart tells me something different. Instead I take this load and I carry it with me. I know more than I should. I've seen more than I needed to. And I have heard more than I wanted to. I would gladly take their worries and pains too. I don't know any other way. Neither did he. I am my fathers daughter.
One thing I do know is that it will get better. I need to get my head on straight. Focus on the possible not the impossible. This weekend is going to be extra fun. Davids work is having a company picnic On a ranch out in the hill country. Fishing, boat rides, long horns and lots of fun. I'm taking my camera. Im just excited to get out. But a little nervous being around so many people that I don't know all to well. Wishing you all have wonderful weekend. Much love.
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