June 15, 2012

Accepting me for me

Its amazing what a few days of just thinking can do for you.  I have cut myself off a bit this week.  Mostly because I've been sick and this cold just kicked my butt, but also because I was bursting at the seams with emotions.

I kept going over in my head trying to figure out what it was that has been eating away at me.  I've gone though every emotion known to man and probably a few I just made up.  Highs and lows and every in between.  I thought way back when I though I was to broken to let anyone in.  I was an empty shell for years.  Everything I am going though now is nothing compared to the hell of those years.  

I thought of the highlights.  David.  My boys.  Being surrounded by a happiness I never felt worthy of.  Sitting in the church as we baptized the boys and promising to always do right by them. At the time I was in denial of even being sick. My life was falling apart around me, but there in the church, my heart was at peace.  A first for me.  I keep saying I want to go back, but honestly part of me still feels...unworthy? I don't know.  I need to change that.  Id like to feel that peace again.

I took a good long look at how far I've come.   I have accepted my past.  Whats done is done.  I've accepted that I am sick.  That doesn't make it any easier, but I have no real control over it now.  I am married to a wonderful man.  Who even though he is a man of very little words, his voice still gives me butterflies.  I am a mother to two very trying, headstrong and absolutely perfect in their own way boys. They are my everything.  I have friends and family who have been supportive and loving of me always.  Some old some new and some I've never even met in person.

For a second there I though I was having some sort of breakdown.  I've been depressed before, it wasn't that.  Then I realized, I was just sad.  Sad that things aren't quite what we imagined them to be. I feel like there is so much that could be changed to make things better.  But that's life.  I don't want my life handed to me on a silver platter.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I don't want to be stuck at home.  I don't wan to be sick anymore.  When I am better, I will be able to get a job and contribute.  Take some of the responsibility off Davids shoulders.  I will be able to go to all the wonderful events and parties that I've had to miss out on.  I will be able to get up and get out so much more.  Yes, I am just sad.  And I'm allowed to be.

But this is my life, for now. And I just have to accept that.  There will be good days and there will be bad.  But I am here and that in itself if a blessing.


3 comments:

  1. Hiya I'm Joy. I'm a young girl trying to cope with a long-term illness in the UK. Your post has really touched me thank you so much! I typed in to Google 'accepting me' and to find your post and know someone else has felt the way I do today has really put a peaceful end to a bad day for me......thank you. God bless you and will be praying for you :) 

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  2. Joy, I'm glad you found me. And that I could help make a bad day good. I know some days it feels like things won't get better, but they will. Just hang in there! And stop by again anytime. Im here if you ever need to talk! I'll be praying for you as well.

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