July 30, 2011

I'm not the same. But I am HERE!

When you're sick things change.  I'm changing everyday.  Last night we were talking about how I'm "slacking".  I'm just not the same as I used to be, 5 years ago, 2 years ago or just yesterday.  I have learned to adapt day by day. Each day brings new challenges and I need to be able to rise to it or decide to let it go.  I can see why someone would say its slacking.


Discipline in this house has always been one of my greatest challenges.  I used to be the ruler of the house.  But the truth is, I'm tired of always being the mean one.  Its bad enough these boys are going to have to deal with me being sick.  I have enough guilt over that, I don't need the guilt of being a meanie too.  I've tried though.  Time outs.  But these boys are stubborn as all heck and the crying and having to constantly take them back to time out, wears me down.  Plus 5 mins after they are out they are back to it again anyways.  Spanking is rare around here.  Yelling needs to stop, I'm working on it.  Sometimes its seems like the only way to get their attention is to raise my voice.  I cant count the number of toys that went in the trash or how many times I have said "since you want to throw cars, go throw them in the trash"  The other day it was their little plastic golf clubs.  They sat there in the can all day.  The boys would occasionally go look at them and shake their heads.  But I took them out that night, cleaned them off and hid them for a while.  After all, I don't have the money to be buying toys and tossing them.  Is this so wrong?  My kids are not bad kids.  As dad says, they are boys!  Yes at home they are a little wild and sometimes forget their manners.  But I've come to accept this instead of constantly correcting and scolding them.  They are 6 and 2. Children.  My children.

Oh and guess what, I give in to them too.  I do.  When Anthony was little he had a horrible dairy allergy so his diet was very restricted.  I never gave him candy.  Watered down his juice and so on. With Alex things changed a little.  Its funny to hear people gasp that I gave them cookies.  Or another popsicle.  But I guarantee you that if you were in my shoes, about to cry from all the pain, emotional from all the stress and just beyond tired, one more cookie is a very worthy trade for 5 more mins of silence.  And yes I let them have soda, only when we go out to eat.  I admit I have given in a little to much on the junk. But even still its not that much. That has to change for sure.  I am the queen of 5 more mins.  Because sometimes I'm really the one who needs a little extra time.  Sometimes I even let them skip bath time and just play.  Shoot me.  Honestly, my liver biopsy hurt less that bathing these boys.  The bending over kills me, so occasionally we skip it.  Oh yeah, I'm quick to hand over my phone so they stay quite for a little longer and some days they watch way to much TV.  Yup no mother of the year award here!  

Everything is getting harder.  And I'm having to make the choice of doing whats most important and letting the little things slide.  Some days I don't have the energy to clean.  Sometimes I just don't have the strength to take the trash out.  Some nights I hurt to much to make a nice filling dinner and I make something packaged.  But every morning I wake up and just want to lay in bed and be sick, but I get up.  And try my best to be the person I need to be.  I may be struggling, or slacking or just plain sucking at it.  I know I'm not the same, but I am here dammit!  I'm trying and some days I just wish that was enough.  

For the record, I find it all a bit funny.  Its hard sometimes to tell my emotions through the writing.  I wrote this all with a smile, rolling my eyes the whole way.  I know who I am  and why I choose to do the things I do.  I know my boys have a roof over their head, food in their bellies, clothes on their back and all the hugs and kisses they could ever ask for!  I guess sometimes it gets frustrating and I have to get it out.  So no hard feelings yeah!  



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