March 16, 2011

For the Better

So I'm getting ready for bed tight and I'm thinking, am I doing the right thing? See. We are going closing on our first, very own home next month. But I'm so worried its the wrong choice. Of course then I run through the pros and cons, and I believe we are doing what's best for our family. Why do I always doubt myself?

Yes living here with the in-laws has been a blessing. Not having to pay rent or utilities. Well, we pay the cable and my MIL's cell. We do try to help out when ever we can. And having someone around just incase I needed anything has been a safety net. But really is all this worth it?

I think most of the problem is I feel as though certain people do not believe I can handle it. You know, because I'm sick and all. I wish you could see my eyes rolling. Even here, I do the majority of what I need to be done. Yes sometimes the boys stay downstairs while I do what I need to do upstairs. And somedays I love having someone else take them out back when I don't feel up to it. But again, is it worth it?

We chose to move so that we could get the chance at being a real family. Mostly for the boys. They need a place where they can just be kids. Surrounded by things that are theirs. I can't wait to let them run and scream without having to demand that they sit and be quiet. Kids are meant to be free. Yes, to a point. No, I will not be letting the hang from the fans and walk all over me. But to see their smiles when the can turn the music up and dance around and just be, is what I'm most excited for.

I will admit that I'm looking forward to being married again. Not that I was unmarried. But trying to find time for your marriage is hard enough with kids. When your parents are watching too its just...awkward. I miss the random hugs and kisses. The movie time cuddling. And so much more.

I know being on the transplant list and expecting to only get sicker doesn't make it any easier. But I want to spend the next however healthy months or years living in my own house. I want to spend that time with the boys making pillow forts in the living room and playing hide and go seek. I can't lie. Knowing that my boys and David have something to call their own, if God forbid something happen to me, is one less burden on my chest. It's a small empty house. And we are going to make it our home and fill it with memories!

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