January 19, 2011

Crazy much?

Well the rest of the week is doctors for me. Tomorrow I see my hematologist.  Hopefully my blood is good.  It was nice having a week off of labs.  Friday is therapist day!  Whoohoo!  Next week the little one has his 2 year check up and then I have the dreaded Liver Clinic. I shouldn’t say dreaded, because I really love my Dr and the staff at the Clinic are freaking awesome. Do you feel a “but” coming on?!?

But…This whole waiting game is messing with my head. If I’m going to be sick, I want to be sick now. I want to be fighting to get better, I want to know that getting better is an option. Instead I am waiting to get sicker. Waiting for my body to quit fighting for me, and hoping when I do get sick its not so bad that I cant come back from this all. I completely suck at waiting. Or does waiting just suck this much? I try to keep busy, but nothing helps. Sometimes I feel so alone and other times I feel like everyone is judging me. I'm pretty sure I’m going crazy.

The weather has been horrible, the boys are sick and cabin fever is setting in again. I cant drive. I mean literally, I don’t know how. And even if I did know how, thanks to my good friend H.E. driving is on my big fat do no do list. I’m feeling more claustrophobic than ever. I want my own space. OCD is kicking in and I want things done my way. Not easy to do when you are living in someone else’s home. Speaking of OCD, I have become obsessed with hand sanitizer. Did you know they make lotion with sanitizer in it? Why am I just now finding this out? Oh yeah because I have sanitized my hands to the bone. OK maybe not the bone, but they look dead. Dry, white and flaky. Gross
It’s a good think I see my therapist this week eh? I have so many things going on. I’m trying so hard to keep my head above water. But sometimes, it feels like there’s just no hope. I really need to get my camera out more. I have the sudden urge to go run. I’m jumping out of my skin here. Ok now I sound really crazy. Just going to stop here!
Here’s to hoping they don’t send me to the Looney bin on Friday! Hope everyone is having a great week.

3 comments:

  1. Oh, trust me, I know about the whole fighting on versus letting your body get sicker just to get this over with nonsense.

    I can't let myself give up fighting, though, because it's a slippery slope. Once you make a conscious decision to get sicker, it's infinitely harder to get back in the fighting mindset, and I think that's why the mortality rate is so high on liver transplants.

    Also: you see a therapist a lot? I only saw mine once, during my evaluation. I'd love to vent to a professional, but is it part of your process, or separate?

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  2. Slippery is right. I just want to be me again. But I dont want to be sick. Or for my family to see me sick.
    I have only seen the therapist once. And again tomorrow. I have been having anxiety and sleep issues. Its nice becaues he works with the transplant team, so he understands it all.

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  3. Totally understand about not wanting the family to see you sick. I have the same issue.

    I don't have sleep issues, just long periods of not sleeping until I finally crash. I need to get over that.

    But I should ask about the therapist, since I do still have some personal issues I should talk to her about. Especially if they're covered by the share of cost.

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