October 2, 2010

I want to be me again

If there is one thing I beat myself up about the most its not being the mom I used to be. My mind knows that I can't be that mom right now, but my heart feels like I'm letting my boys down.

When my oldest was little we would waste away our mornings out back blowing bubbles. In the afternoons we would have picnics in the park and splash in the pool. We baked, danced, took pictures and made blanket forts. He was such an easy going kid. Shy as ever, but he was quiet and could play by himself for hours. I poured every ounce of my energy into him.  Of course he had his tantrums and the kid never slept, but I felt like I had all the time in the world with him and I enjoyed almost every minuet of it. And now I feel like I am constantly letting him down.  He wants to go outside, but I cant take the heat.  He wants to play ball and I don't have the energy. I remember not long after Alex was born, he told me that all I did was lay in bed.  It broke my heart into a million gazillion teeny tiny pieces.  I wonder what he must think of me.  Now that I have become the boring mom. 

Poor Alexander on the other hand got stuck with the sick me. The mom who barely has enough energy to go out side and run around. He is also more demanding than his brother. He loves to be held, hates to play alone and needs that constant interaction. Some days I have to dig so deep to get my head straight, to ignore the pain and overcome the tiredness to just be the mom he deserves. He takes a lot more patience, I seem to have less. He wants to be held and cuddled but sometimes it just hurts to much. But I try my best. Right now its all I can do and I have to have faith that its enough. I think this is one of the reasons we both enjoy breastfeeding so much. It's time we have together were we are able to meet each other half way. He calls down and I get to sit down. Or even better lay down! And to the ones still giving the whole "OMG your still nursing" speech, you suck. Not literally, but you still suck!

I have been feeling pretty good lately so trying to find my way back to the old me. I keep saying that I'm done being this mom.  That I'm going to get back to the old me.  The fun me.  But the truth is I cant.  I need to accept that.  I need to find ways to be mostly fun.  One thing I love about fall is all the easy fall crafts.  To celebrate the beginning of October I cut out pumpkin pieces and had them waiting for Anthony to glue together while I made breakfast.  I'm looking forward to dressing up this year.  I used to have holidays planned the year before.  But these day planning even a week ahead is setting myself up for failure.  So I'm going to give it my everything, and pray that everything is enough.  Here's to fighting a fight I know I will win :)

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