December 23, 2009

Where are you Christmas?

Its just not feeling like Christmas around here. The tree is up and there are actually presents under it. We made gingerbread boys and girls and will hopefully decorate them tonight. Still need to make some cookies for Santa. Im hoping to get downtown to see some lights tonight or tomorrow too.

Yesterday I was denied again for disability. I have thousands of dollars in medical bill waiting to magically be paid. Maxed out the credit card...on more medical bills. Was going to make Christmas dinner, but theres no money for that. Plus MIL is making tamales. This will be the first year ever that I don't have a real Christmas dinner. Depressing much?!?!

A lot of it comes from our living situation. Dont get me wrong, I am more than thankful to have a roof over our heads. But its not home. The kids get in trouble for doing things that kids do. No running, screaming or jumping. We cant parent the way we want to because the grandparents always step in. I feel like I am always scolding the boys for things that really don't bother me, but I know the bother the IL's.

Before I got pregnant the plan was to learn how to drive and get a job. I was ready and pumped. Again not complaining just stating the facts ;) Then I was diagnosed with BCS and Factor II and all those plans went out the window. Dr said no driving. My meds make me sick, but if I don't take them its worse. I'm beyond exhausted, but I just have to suck it up and get on with life. I don't see how working outside of the home is possible for me. I will need lots of time off for tests, appts and surgeries. Cant sit or stand for to long, so Ill need lots of breaks. Because of the toxins in my blood I cant focus for nothing. (Its been an hour of typing and this is all I got) So working with money is out. And the biggest thing is that I cant drive, so I cant get anywhere. Lord help me if I had to take a bus, Id get confused and lost! No joke. I get lost in Walmart! But I know the bills are not going away, and they will keep coming so what the hell am I supposed to do?

It makes me sick to think that I'm dragging my family down. Because of my medical conditions. We will never be financially secure. We will most likely never own our own home. No private school. If my liver doesn't kill me, this guilt will.

But right now, my family is healthy and they know how much I love them. We sleep in our own beds at night and always have something to eat. We have family and friends that support and love us. There is always a good side to everything. I will hang on to that with my life.

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