August 26, 2009

Am I scared?

Someone asked me this the other day. Actually many people have asked me this. And with a smile I tell them what good is being scared going to do for me.

What do I have to be scared of? My failing liver? Dying and leaving my family with out a wife and mother. Of the pain I am in now, that is only going to get worse.

I am scared out of my mind. There are days I just want to run away from it all. But when I sit down and think about all I would be leaving behind, I know I have no other choice. I cannot and will not go anywhere. Who would color the eggs with the boys at Easter? Who would make the cute little hand print turkeys for Thanksgiving? And who would bake cookies and peppermint bark for Christmas? I am sure that someone would fill in, but that someone would not be me. And that's not good enough for me.

To not ever see Alex's sweet morning smile or to never hear another knock knock joke from Anthony, even if it is the same one over and over. I cant accept that. I have worked to hard to get to where I am and to have what we have. It might not be perfect or much, but its what we have. I wouldn't trade it for anything and I refuse to give up on in.

So yes I am scared, I am beyond terrified. But this is the life that was given to me and all I can do now is live it to its fullest.

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